2001-06-16 - 10:26 p.m.

SOmetimes I fucking hate the world. I have no fucking friends .. I left my husband. Yeah Me.. and I have to stay in Bum Fucking North Carolina. So I can't even make my life better. At least as far as I am concern. Yeah I can go to school and get a job or some shit. but am I happy here? FUck No! Does anyone really give a shit.. Fuck no. I just want to crawl in a fucking hole and fucking die. I hate it here. and I hate and resent the fact that I have to put a password on my diary to keep from getting blasted about my feelings. I mean I know every fucking one else can do 10 times better than I have done, hence the reason they are doing.. Oh.. No .. their not. They are living their single, pathitic lives and judging mine. I have never judged, well at least voiced my judgement about any of them. Even when some of them cheated on their spouse, or even cheated on their current mate who appartently is oh-so-fucking great. Yeah I feel bad about Leon and personally I feel he is the only person that has a fucking right to judge me. That is why I don't really get mad when he talks shit about me. But at the same time he has had it so fucking hard the past 3 weeks yet he hasn't had to stay up all nite to watch the baby, cause my parents took here at nite while he worked. Well then you could say since he sleeps during that day it was the same thing. Well no not really cause she is in Daycare at that time. He came and got her when he felt like it. The part that really pisses me off it the fact that all my friends feel they need to judge me when they have done pretty bad shit before to. Yeah maybe I shouldn't have left and yeah maybe it was worse cause I left my daughter but would it had been better if I had ran off with her? At least I knew I couldn't take care of her like my parents could. And yeah it was way-fucking wrong for me to drop her off on them without asking but I didn't know whatelse to do at the time. I NEEDED to get away. and honestly I still do. I swear to fucking god I am about to lose my fucking mind here. I don't know why but I feel that something is so missing here. Thank-god I have my daughter cause she is truely the only thing that is keeping me going. It is strange it like I found a piece of me in New Orleans. Something great could happen down there. I can't place my finger on it but I could feel it. Here I feel nothing. The only thing is Princess. I don't know why the fuck I am being so selfish. The past year and half it hasn't really bothered me but something is going on in side of me that I can't explain and really does scare the shit out of me. I feel so stuck in Limbo here. I feel like I have left something (besides my favorite white shirt) back in New Orleans. I keep wondering around in circles thinking at anytime things are going to get better and something is going to fall into place. But so far I can't see the fucking light.

Now the question is.. how do I fucking please everyone else.. hell fuck everyone else, how do I take care of my daughter and take care of me at the same time. Surely there has to be a way. I mean how do people do it? Men let their wives have custody all the time and no one thinks twice about it but if I was to that then all hell will break loose. Don't get me wrong I want to be involved my I really truely believe that I need to fix myself before I can take care of anyone else.

Well I guess that is about it. I will write more one day when my head is slight screwed on tighter.